10 Things Guys Really Do After a Breakup
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Love Hurts1 of 11
By Frank Kobola for Cosmopolitan
Guys might seemed unfazed by a breakup, but if you stare into their eyes, you'll see nothing but pain, longing and a desire to fill the void in their hearts with so many Big Macs. There's a lot of self-doubt, maybe (probably) some crying, a lot of going out with friends, some trash talking, saying some nice things about the person, more trash talking, drinking, binge-watching something, a few weird texts/phone calls to the ex and then finally catharsis. Maybe. Here's what guys really do after you dump them.
Strumming Along2 of 11
Teach ourselves a sad song on guitar. Our roommates might not have known how many chords were in "Wonderwall" before, but now they do. It's six. Six chords.
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Dine In3 of 11
Create a ring of comfort food around our desk/couch/chair/table. Wherever we've decided to park our sad, unlovable bodies, it looks like we're preparing for some ancient ritual that requires a specific arrangement of Chinese food cartons and pizza boxes on the floor.
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All Busy-ness4 of 11
Stay way too busy. "Hey, it's a great thing she broke up with me! Now I can finally clean my attic/build my own bookcase/start a business/move to Mexico! This is a cry for help someone please talk me out of these long-term plans!"
Lay Low5 of 11
Avoid bars. We can't go to a bar without drunkenly hitting on women and getting rejected. And we can't handle rejection right now.
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Ex Marks the Spot6 of 11
Talk about our exes way too much. "You know who loved that movie? My ex! Oh, you know who was good at tying shoes? My ex. You know who also needed to eat food to survive? My ex." Everything becomes a reason to bring them up.
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Play It Again7 of 11
Listen to one song over and over. It doesn't have to be a breakup song, but if it reminds us of our ex, we will have it on repeat constantly.
Hiding Out8 of 11
Avoid restaurants/movie theaters/parks we used to go to with our ex. Have you ever seen a grown man crying by himself in a movie theater? It's because he made the mistake of going to see the new Robocop in the same theater where he and his ex had their first date.
Text Troubles9 of 11
Spend hours hovering our thumb over "send" on a text to our ex. Eventually, we'll either drink enough whiskey to go through with it, or a good Samaritan will recognize the signs of a dumpee and throw our phone into the woods.
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Buddy System10 of 11
Invite our guy friends over to sit in brooding silence with us. It's better than watching a Top Gear marathon by ourselves. We'll probably also try to offer them something from one of the discarded fast food boxes by our feet, because we're good hosts.
Shaving Boycott11 of 11
Grow a breakup beard. No one has time to shave when they're plumbing the depths of human emotion. The breakup beard is sad and unkempt, with enough food in it to feed a flock of very tiny birds, like swallows or something.