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Do All Men Cheat?

A Mistress Speaks Out

When it comes to men, women and monogamy there seem to be two schools of thought. One subscribes to the notion that falling in love and being part of an exclusive twosome is just as much a male desire as a female one. The other claims that men and women are different: We want to find our one dream guy, yet he's continually suppressing the urge to sow those wild oats.

How to deal with the later position is also a subject for debate: Should we encourage men to fight their supposed urge toward infidelity, or should we instead accommodate (and accept) their uncontrollable want for wandering?

With the incessant news of alleged male philandering (former Vice President Al Gore being the latest at press time) often challenging our feelings that monogamy is less of a gender issue than a case-by-case basis one, we thought we'd get an unconventional opinion on the matter.

We talked to Holly Hill (pseudonym), an Australian writer who quit her job as a psychoanalyst and posted an online want ad for a sugar daddy — then chronicled her tale in the new book Sugarbabe. After receiving over 10,000 responses to her ad in mere days, she interviewed candidates and selected a series of attached men who paid her for her company. Given that many of her responders were married, she has a unique take on what she thinks men really want, and — given her experiences — an atypical position on male monogamy.

How did it feel to receive so many responses to your ad?

I would like to say it felt wonderful, but I was more shocked than anything. I was amazed that so many men were prepared to pay $1,000 a week for an exclusive mistress, but I also considered it extraordinary that most of [the replies I received] were during working hours when these so-called business men were supposed to be doing their jobs.

Why do you think men cheat?

In most cases, it is simply because they aren't getting enough. The urge to have more sex is generated in the same part of the brain as the urge to have another slice of chocolate cake. ... While the libidos of my sugar daddies had ebbed somewhat, it was important for them to have someone who was available for sex and who gave them their undivided attention. They also wanted a person who was not a threat to their wives or families. Men's wants are hard-wired into their brains and have very little to do with what wives and girlfriends want. [A man's] greatest biological drive is selection by females for the reproduction of his genes. There is also a strong need to display and provide for females. In other words, he wants as much sex as possible with attractive women who make him feel like a good provider.

Why then would men get married if their inclination isn't toward monogamy?

Men are still biologically driven to provide for their females and ensure their offspring are safe. Marriage continues to provide [them with] the optimum social, legal and security benefits. The introduction of sexual exclusivity to marriage was originally intended to ensure inheritances stay within families — given that the modern Will and Testament is more than adequate for this task, monogamy is no longer relevant.

Can men really be monogamous, in your opinion?

I would say 100 percent of men cannot be mentally monogamous, in that they are biologically programmed to assess the sexual attractiveness of every single woman they see. A normal man could also achieve monogamy with a highly-sexed woman, as could a man with a low libido and a normal woman. However, a normal man and a normal woman who have decided on lifetime sexual exclusivity [could] face chances of divorce and a very high chance of cheating.

How do you think women can prevent men from cheating?

Use his nature to work for you, rather than against you. That means negotiating some infidelity if you are not “in the mood.” It does not have to be other lovers: It could be pornography, or a lap dance [at a strip club]. The important thing to remember is that [sex] is your man's strongest, most basic instinct, so [working with it] puts you in a position of immense power in the relationship. It is far better to walk the dog on a leash than let it escape through an unseen hole in the back fence.

[Also], never cross your legs for an extended period without arranging some sort of alternative. Don't let yourself go — there is nothing less valued than a commodity that no one else wants. Always remind him how valuable you are, how popular you are and drop subtle hints that other men still find you desirable. This will take advantage of his biological need to compete.

What should we know about "the other woman"?

I suspect the most important thing to remember is that a man is probably only cheating [for sex] and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Cheating men still love their wives — they just can't resist a second slice of chocolate cake. Also remember the other woman is probably very normal. We imagine other lovers to be prettier, or thinner or better dressed than us, but there aren't too many supermodels out there looking for sugar daddies. If [you find your man is cheating] and you can harness your jealousy, arrange to meet the woman — you might be able to work together to make your man the happiest guy in the world. What a wonderful thing to do for someone you love. ...

What was the best part about living the mistress lifestyle?

Having a job that focused on helping and giving pleasure to other people, at the same time as involving activities such as drinking fine wine, eating great food, listening to music and, of course, having great sex. Interestingly enough, I've gone back to traditional employment and feel very disempowered!

SHOP NOW: Sugarbabe: The Controversial Story of a Woman in Search for a Sugar Daddy by Holly Hill, $17

  • Holly Hill's book is available now on Amazon.com.

    Courtesy of Skyhourse Publishing
Do All Men Cheat?
A Mistress Speaks Out
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