Body of Work
A model's journey from "too big" to "not big enough" to total body acceptance
What I do remember very vividly is going in and out of hospitals for the next few years, all due to the abuse I was putting my body through. I was anemic and exhausted. I was given spinal taps, IVs and antibiotics. My body was tired and shouting at me to listen in every way possible. Finally, a doctor cared enough to ask me what was really going on. The tears poured out and I told him everything.
I told him about the torturous quest I was on to achieve physical perfection, the thoughts I had about never being good enough. I felt like a big old package of damaged goods in a hospital gown, not the pretty little package that I was striving so hard to maintain.
I felt relieved that my secret was out, but I was still terrified of coming face to face with the demons I had been avoiding for years, issues that were now about ready to kill me. I did the only thing I could: I quit modeling and sought help. When I started uncovering some of the issues that had gotten me to the state I found myself in, I would walk around for months believing that those issues defined me. Eventually, I figured out that gaining self-acceptance would be a process, not an event. I actually had a great opportunity in front of me, to create a different script of how I spoke to myself, and to begin living my life with more grace and ease.
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